The Gym Won't Make You Thin

It's that time of year again.. when the gym regulars bitch about the after-New Years rush, which usually lasts about a month.  When the rush is over the regulars comment how it's finally back to normal (i.e., a few machines empty here and there and less crowding in the classes and weight room).  I've been going to the same gym for 6 years, so this routine if very familiar to me.. I'm usually with the after New Years rush, since I'm generally a slack ass for the months of November and December.  That's my routine though.  Workout really hard for 10 months and then give my body a big fat break when it starts to get cold and I can run around outside a lot more with my kids (when it's hot here, there is no playing outside.. there is only going to the pool or to the beach, then inside for endless hrs of AC).  But I know it's not the gym that keeps my weight in check.  The gym is for mental and physical wellness, toned muscles, limberness, etc.  But unless you are training for a marathon or triathalon, or some other major athletic event, working out will not make you thin.. it'll make you feel good.. but it won't make you thin (neither will breast feeding for that matter, but that's a whole 'nother story).  

So here's the secret... Eat less.  Less is more.  Did you hear about the Twinkie Diet?  There was some serious controversy surrounding it, but it made sense.  The bottom line was that your diet can consist solely of Twinkies and you will lose weight.  But you'd need to eat about 600 calories a day of only Twinkies to make this happen.  It does however highlight my point. 

OK, what's really my point?  I recently hung out with my friend whose average exercise log time for the week is about 15 hours in the gym where she "double dips" (my slang for exercising twice in one day.. you know, weight room and a class, or two classes in a row).  I tried using Cole as an excuse why I haven't been and she really gave me shit.. So this blog is one big fat excuse why I haven't exercised in 2 months.  On January 3rd I will revisit my yearly habit of shamelessly walking into the gym like I haven't missed a day (or 60 but who's counting)... and for the next 10 months I will work out hard and pay attention to what I eat.  But for the past two months, just knowing that the gym won't make me thin has gotten me through the holidays without too much angst of missing all those days in one of my favorite places.  Which is why although I know it won't make me thin, the gym will always be a part of my life (i.e., because it makes me tone, and limber, and makes me feel really really good).

Candy Crisis

When I was around 3 years old we were at the pool club snack bar and I wanted a cupcake.  When I was finished with that one I wanted another.  When I wanted yet another one, my mother said no.  I lost it and she carried me out screaming, leaving my sister there with a neighbor to take home. After I heard the story I asked my mom why she didn't just give me the cupcake..she said, "I don't know, why didn't I?"  Well, guess what.. now I know.

My son would like to live in Candy Land, with confectionery sugar-lined roads, and gingerbread houses covered in candy for him to eat at will.  This kid has a problem.  Yesterday I took him to a store where the entrance was lined with junk food.  He pulled one of those giant lollipops (you know the ones made for all those elephants who eat candy) from the stand in the entrance.  I said no way!  He starts to cry, I picked him up kicking and wailing and carried him outside.  I explained to him that it wasn't going to happen, and if he didn't get it together we were leaving.  He tried to explain through his blubbering.. I can't help it, I want the candy, I'm sowwy.. It wasn't pretty.  But he pulled it together, he held my hand, and we went back in.  The next store we went to had candy canes on the register counter.  While I was questioning the price of one of the items being rung up, Ella is trying to get my attention (this is after I told her to let me speak to the store people without interrupting) so I was ignoring her.  Finally, she says, "MOM!  HE'S EATING A CANDY CANE!"  I look at Cole and he's tearing the plastic off of a giant candy cane from the counter with his teeth!  Nice.

So.. As much as I love this time of year, the candy crisis will be ongoing until at least Valentine's Day.  I'm not giving up though.  I warned him about rotten teeth, rotten brain and fat camp.. I don't mind crossing the line with my threats at this point, because the first thing he said this morning was.. Can I have a cookie??

Happy Chanukkah

Home Exchange 101

George has been in a foul mood for a few days.  Couldn't figure out what the problem was but I had some ideas.  Everything about this Thanksgiving weekend gave me something to be thankful for (except the Eagles lost, so that just added to his yuck face).  So I was like is he for real?  If I'm right he's such a baby.  And I was right.  He was contacted by a family in Italy for a home exchange this summer.  So he responded that we would be interested and then he never heard back from them.  It was like a sophomore boy waiting for the girl to call him.  He was constantly checking his email, blackberry, signs from the sky, etc.  I was like, seriously, what are you doing?  There are thousands of homes on the site, go send some emails out and find someone, don't just sit there pouting, you look silly (and you're ruining my weekend).  

One of the reasons George will let me live in my village in my nest I love is because I support doing these home exchanges.  It gives us a chance to see the world and puts George's mind at ease regarding living in one place for so long.  So he sent a bunch of emails and a family from Switzerland who lives in the alps region on Lake Leman emailed us and said they were interested in coming here.  So maybe we will be in Switzerland for the summer (or Italy), either way it will happen, no pouting necessary. 

Happy Birthday Little Girl

Happy Birthday Ella!

November 15, 2010

6 Years Old

 

A Letter To Ella - August 15, 2005

Dear Ella,

You just turned 9 months old.  It is August and it is hot!  You make everyone around you smile.  Wherever we go you squeal at people until they pay attention to you and smile.  You have an amazing personality.  

I hope I am a good mommy to you.  I want you to be happy, now, and always.  I never want to enable you, but I want to support you and guide you and love you unconditionally.  I promise to give you the best life I am able.  I want all your childhood memories to be happy ones.  I want you to look back at our times together and smile.  

I promise to nurture your outgoing, loving personlity, and to keep you giggling and smiling the best I can.  My love for you is unfailing - at 9 months I already feel like we've been through so much together.  I look forward to being there with you through your life.  

I love you Jaji Bear,

Mama

It Takes A Village

These are the people in my neighborhood..in my neighborhood..

I recently read an article about only children being smarter, independent and more adult because they spend more time with adults.  I thought that was interesting.  Ella has always spent a lot of time around adults, not because she is an only child but because we live in a village (both by name and function).  There have always been numerous people as constants in her life that she has talked to like they were her peers (the girls in the picture above live in our cul-de-sac, that's just a small example of my neighborhood...  there are many many more adults she has known her entire life just from our hood).  Honestly, it has always irked me.. this talking to adults like they were her friends.  I want to go to the pool and chill, not introduce myself to each and everyone that walks through the gate and know which house they live in.  Nope.  I do not like it.  Adults are not her friends (specially if they're not mine!).

Anyway, all this adult chatter may be the reason she is so articulate and outgoing, socially gifted, etc.  However, she has had so much trouble grasping the concept of boundaries.  It was cute when she was little and would ask my neighbors what their name was every time she saw them (this went on for at least a year) . Not so cute when the questions have evolved into - how old are you - and - are you Jewish or Catholic (btw, in the south she should be asking if they're Baptist or Christian).  Actually, she should not be asking at all!   There are many more examples of inappropriate questions, I'm sure all age appropriate if you asked an expert.  But I don't care.  It completely irks me.  It irks me that every time there is someone within ear shot she talks to them.  Why?  Is it because she grew up in this environment?  In kindergarten she knows all the kids, she's only been there for a couple months.  When I say all the kids, I mean the kids in all four kindergarten classes.   

I'm completely into the village concept, otherwise I would be living in a foreign country for these very essential years of my kids' lives.  I like the stability of it and the confidence my kids have from it.  I just wish the boundaries were clearer.  It isn't as though I haven't tried.. because trust me, it has a been a constant struggle.  Thankfully, at the ripe age of 6 (well.. she will be 6 on Monday), she has begun to control herself.  She told me she was going to ask someone the other day how old they were, but remembered I told her it wasn't OK.  She didn't do it.  I was so proud of her, because she's starting to get it.  All those hundreds of times being mortified and correcting her are paying off.  Thankfully.  I love my neighbors, but really, sometimes the village feels a little small for my giant mouthed child. 

He Said That?

"For now I'm happy we don't have to pay for, and subject our kids to daycare.  Although most days I suffer some sort of mental breakdown.  Most problems are Brynn and clothes, or Brynn asks, "What are we going to do now?"  We do have her going to school two days a week.  It gets her some outside stimulation but it adds "Bus Driver" to my already huge list of hats I wear (others are: short-order cook, maid, housekeeper, daycare teacher, craft coordinator, heiney wiper, dental assistant, laundry attendant, nurse, shopper, and did I say messy cleaner upper (that one I do the most!)."

I extracted this from a letter my friend James sent me last week.  James, a stay-at-home dad, is married to a college girlfriend of mine.  We sent them some clothes for their younger girls, and James sent us back a thank you box of assorted Tastycakes  from Pennsylvania, because they don't sell those here.  He also included an awesome note catching us up on how they're doing.  Best note I've ever read.  

I have an amazing husband.  He is my partner to the best of his abilities, specially when it comes to raising our children.  But his career is his job and the kids are mine.  It is what it is and there are some things he will never understand, because he just can't relate.  It didn't start off that way but that's where we are and we've been rolling with it.  So the way my friend James described my life, I mean his life, without apology is something I need to acknowledge.  After that paragraph he goes on to say how his wife is training to run a half-marathon.  He doesn't say... but oh, I shouldn't complain or, but things really are perfect, blah blah blah.  He straight up tells it how it is.  I have always loved James, he's an awesome guy, and now I love him so much more for his honesty.  It's not better or worse than my husband's life, it's just a different role with different expectations summarized well. 

I don't know that I would have so boldly put those words into a letter to my friend, but maybe with my friends with kids those things are already understood.. so it's more like what ELSE is going on!  Doesn't matter, it was great to know that I'm not alone and I have a friend who's not afraid to say it - and my friend is a Dad. 

Some Advice - Hard Learned

I'm going to throw some advice out there.  Maybe through some blogger god osmosis it'll do somebody some good and make their mom day a little easier.

1.  Baby Advice: When you are a new mom, and throughout all stages of your child's life, read what the experts have to say, but take the advice that applies to your natural instincts as a parent and the type of child you have.  I made a HUGE mistake of using the Attachment Parenting book by Dr. Sears as my baby bible.  Now this was a huge mistake for ME, maybe others could do well with it.  But I had a demanding child to start with and this book was telling me to give into her every whim.  I mean I wouldn't even let Ella cry, I nursed if she wasn't hungry, and carried her around in the Baby Bjorn until she was 9 months old.  That kid's feet never touched the ground.  She wouldn't be put down.  She couldn't soothe herself, she didn't nap and didn't sleep at night.  I thought I was going to die.  Finally, at her 9 month appointment I asked my doctor.  Mind you I thought I was doing everything right and had never complained or asked the doctor ANYTHING by this point.  He was like "are you ready?", uh yeah Dr. Rhodes, I'm freaking ready.  He said to let her cry.  What?  Hmmm... OK.  That day I put her down for a nap and I timed how long she cried.  Five minutes.  Then two hours of silent sound sleeping.  I should have asked Dr. Rhodes, not Dr. Sears from the beginning.  After Cole was born I read three different books and found that Baby Wise suited him best.  That kid slept through the night at a few weeks.

2.  Toddler/Kid Advice:  In a situation where another child is being aggressive toward your child, say your own child's name (loudly, with force, so both kids can hear you).  This way, the aggressive kid knows you're watching and will likely stop whatever he/she is doing and you can avoid a confrontation with the other kid's parents.  Your goal isn't to discipline the other child, it's just to get them to leave yours alone.

3.  All Ages:  Follow through.  It's very easy to say but less likely to happen consistently.  But it is probably the most important part of disciplining.  Every time an empty threat is made you lose some control, and bit by bit it will wear away completely (it is very hard to regain it).  On one of our park excursions when Ella was around 3 years old I told her it was time to leave.  She said, "why?" and  I said, "because I said so."  We left without drama. I felt the awe of other parents.  This happened because on another park excursion she would not cooperate and I picked her up screaming and put her in the car.  I warned her first and then I followed through (if this makes you uncomfortable pick a park you don't go to often - and if your child isn't a screamer then I'm very jealous).  If they ask "why" when you say you're leaving, I don't recommend saying because I'll give you a treat, or I'll take you to the toy store, or some other bribe just to avoid the confrontation.  Get it over with and you won't have to revisit it. (Well, you may have to do this a few times, but they'll get the point that when you say something you mean it; getting children to listen to instructions can be ridiculously frustrating.)

She's a Genius

Sometimes it is just Fun and Games

Sometimes you just want your kid to stand out for something besides their crappy behavior.  Sometimes you want to be able to talk about something else beside what they did to mortify you that day.  Well my girl can dance.  

I love a good festival.  I love the great live local music, the fried fry food, the animal exhibits, etc.  But most of all, I love festivals because that's when Ella unabashedly shows off what she's got.  And she's definitely got it!  Without fail, someone will approach me during or after watching her dance to tell me that she's amazing (I've also heard you better keep an eye on that one, or oooh, you're in trouble!).  Last week a woman who actually owns a local dance studio told me she was a genius.  Ella has always been precocious and in desperate need of attention from everyone within earshot.  Fortunately the upside to that is she doesn't care if she's the only kid out there shaking her thing, she takes the stage anytime she can.  And who wouldn't like it if someone called their kid a genius? 

Shocked!

Today I dropped Cole off at school and we revisited the kicking and screaming routine, while passing a mom and grandmother dropping off their kids.  After I gave him to his teacher and was signing him in someone patted me on the arm.  It took me a minute to figure out what was happening.  She said to me, "It's OK Mom."  Then the grandmother added, "We've all been there."  What??  Seriously?? This was like the best morning ever, aside from the tantrum of course.  Maybe I have good blog karma.. and I somehow reached out to the blogging universe, because that is the first time that has EVER happened, and it was awesome.

Soooo Glad That's Not Me

Ella at 23 months

Five months pregnant and sporting a nice baby bump, I was picking up 23-month old Ella from pre-school on a rainy day, when she decided to lose her mind and run away from me down the sidewalk of a busy street.  Again, it was raining, I was obviously pregnant and this kid was running away from me screaming like someone was pinching her.  Countless moms walked by me to pick up their kids.  I chased her down the street, and not so gently put her in the car, where I ended up sitting on the floor crying with her (still screaming), totally freaked by what had just happened.  I wasn't just freaked from Ella's behavior, it was more the fact that none of the moms acknowledged me.  None.  And then, about five minutes later, it was over.  She was in her car seat and ready to go home.  Awesome.  

Fast forward  four years.  I was bringing Cole to pre-school and he refused to cooperate (i.e., ran away from me in the parking lot back to the car wanting to be taken home, while screaming with tears streaming down his face).  I left him there.  I went inside to put away his things and signed him in.  I went back out and picked him up kicking and crying and gave him to his teacher, then I left.  How many moms passed me during this fun exercise of mom versus inexplicable nonsensical behavior with only looks of - soooo glad that's not me?

Reminiscing about those spectacular moments, I know that what bothered me most was the response, non-response, judgmental auras of passing moms. Truly.  Because guess what?  I know for sure there was, or will be a moment that you too will be in that same black hole of motherhood.  There are times when a nod, or a smile, or a look of - oh, I've been there sista!.. is all a mom needs to get through those agonizing minutes to persevere.

Sometimes just knowing that - Oh, I'm not alone - is all a girl needs. 

Selfish Mother Syndrome

Selfish Mother Syndrome (SMS) is something I diagnosed myself with after Ella was born.  Many new moms can relate to it's symptoms, which can include agitation from withdrawal of the following: fine dining, spontaneous traveling, red wine, sleeping late, staying up late, sleeping for longer than 3 hours at a time, shopping for yourself,  a good book, adult programming, a car ride in silence, etc.

SMS is also recognizable by a feeling of anxiousness associated with the complete dependence of a tiny baby.  As soon as Ella was born and her little bassinet was placed next to me in the hospital, I panicked.  There was now someone completely dependent on me and I may never truly be alone again (and not in a good way). In addition to the ever present nagging feeling that everything I do from here on affects my baby and everything the baby does affects me.  

Not only was there agitation from withdrawal of the things I was accustomed to doing anytime I wanted, or the anxiety from the complete dependence of another person, there was the guilt associated with complaining about these and any other difficulties associated with being a new mother.  There was a time I would explain to my expecting mom friends to essentially expect the worst for the first three months.  My husband asked me to stop doing that, saying it wasn't the same for everyone.  But really, I felt like it was pretty similar for everyone but no one wanted to say it.  Having a new baby isn't easy, specially in the beginning (The questions: is the baby sleeping?  are you sleeping?  is the baby eating?  did you lose the  weight?  does the baby cry a lot?  breast or bottle?  The answers:  you should put her on a schedule..  you need to let your husband take over a little.. you need to put her on a schedule (see sleeping).. the weight will come off, give it time.. does she take a pacifier.. maybe you should start the bottle.. ).  Everyone of us heard these questions, and if you are a new mom, I can almost guarantee you will. And if you feel like sticking a shoe in someone's mouth, that is completely acceptable. 

But here's the thing, and the best and only lasting piece of advice I got as a new mom, and it even applies to SMS: it's just a stage, this too will pass.  Now that my kids are 3 and 6, I forgot I even fell ill with SMS, and was just recently reminded of it.  It gets easier and it gets better, and it's fine to say that it's not all good all the time, but the times that are good make it all OK. 

Crib Exchange: From SC to Holland

Having a husband who frequently travels internationally and being a stay-at-home mom to a 4-year-old girl and 2-year-old boy is challenging.  So when my husband suggested we do a one-month home exchange (like the movie "Holiday" with Cameron Diaz) with a family in Europe, I thought: See him more in a foreign country or stay here and see him less while he travels more. Foreign country and more husband-time won. So, through www.homeexchange.com we found a family from Huizen, Holland, and they found us.

People from all over the world use the home exchange Web site, which requires a $100 fee for unlimited usage. The basics of the Web site include posting pictures of your home along with a description to see if anyone would be interested in staying there. You also need to provide the dates and length of time you would optimally like to travel. Many weeks went by and many people reviewed our information before "our" family contacted us, and they still needed convincing to come to South Carolina (my husband wrote them a three page e-mail about why Charleston is so amazing). There is no security deposit, credit checks or any other protection for your home or personal items. It's all based on faith and being willing to take the risk, in exchange for a free place to stay anywhere in the world. 

Like our family, the family coming from Holland also had a 4-year-old girl and 2-year-old boy. The next step was preparing everything for them. We wrote house instructions (for appliances, thermostat, linens, phone, computer, etc.), we collected information on Charleston and things for them to do, we mapped out grocery stores and beaches on a road map, we made room in our closets and drawers for their things, we put our personal items in a lock box in the bank and any relevant paperwork we stored at our neighbor's, we scheduled lawn maintenance and we cleaned our car and car seats with a little extra care. This was all in addition to getting the kids their passports, booking our flights, and planning our own one-month trip and complicated agenda (we added side trips from Holland that included France and Belgium). 

When we landed at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam, we had to find their car (which they left for us) based on a phone call we received at 4 a.m. from the dad the previous day. This was the point in the trip where it dawned on me pretty heavily how risky this excursion was. Nevertheless, we found the car. Then the second most relevant thought regarding the home exchange came; it's just stuff. Essentially, that's what it was all about, exchanging stuff (i.e., your car, your house, your kids' toys) and in return, spending a month in a place that would otherwise be cost prohibitive.  The last significant realization came when we arrived at their house. Before then it had never occurred to me how stressful it would feel to try to maintain and respect the home of the people we were exchanging with. This to me was the biggest downfall of the home exchange. Let's face it, at a hotel, you don't worry if there are hand prints on the walls, or your kid decides to have art time on the kitchen table without paper. 

Of course there were incredible up sides to it, and it was all worth it just for the experience of spending a month in Europe.  The beauty of the home exchange was that we lived there; when you stay in a hotel, you're always a tourist. There was a different feel for traveling this way, where your home base is actually a home. I recommend it for those who are adventurous and willing to take risks. I look at it this way, if nothing else; my 2-year-old knows the Eiffel Tower because he's seen it.

Johns Island Schools - There are Options

A primary reason to move to an area, as anyone with children knows, is good (or great) public schools.  Alternatively, private education is factored into all the other costs of buying a home; adding at least another $1,000 a month to the equation.  When we moved to Johns Island, SC we had just gotten married and were naively hopeful that the public school situation on this rural island within the greater Charleston region would drastically improve.  Seven years later it had not.  I spent months and months researching the options, all of them.  It was time consuming and enlightening.  I am an advocate of public schools.  All of my friends who are teachers work for the public school system in Charleston.  I picked a lot of other mom brains and made a lot of phone calls.  Fortunately, in this area there are magnet schools (St Andrews School of Science and Math in West Ashley and Buist Academy in Charleston - actually Mt. Pleasant temporarily due to structural issues of the building it was housed in downtown) and charter schools (Orange Grove Elementary in West Ashley).  There is also something referred to as "school choice".  There are great elementary schools on James Island where children from Johns Island can go; cut through a little red tape and you're in.

So now, we live on Johns Island, but my daughter goes to an Excellent rated school on James Island named Harbor View Elementary.   Steps to complete this included filling out an inter-district transfer form provided by the schools (sent to my mail box upon request) and writing a letter detailing why I needed to transfer my daughter out of the Johns Island district.  After being denied and then passing through appeal, we were allowed to transfer.  We also had to get on a list to ensure Ella could fill one of the 20 available spots at Harbor View.  We could not be happier with our choice, and are grateful we had a choice.

If your choice is a magnet or charter school, none of the red tape is required.  You just need to put your child's name on the list, in addition to providing basic information, and hope your child's name is picked.  Aside from Buist (which odds are you won't be picked), the other schools will probably eventually get to your child's name, although it may be the week before school starts.  The point is, if you live on Johns Island, and love where you live or are unsure about moving here, know that private schools are not your only option.  There's a whole world of wonderful public schools out there ready to welcome your child.